DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG CUB!
If you fit the Hollywood stereotype of the promiscuous cougar who wants to bed every young
hunk on two legs, you don’t have to be cautious. But if your goal is a lasting, loving relationship, it
makes sense to choose wisely.
STEP ONE is to write down a WISH LIST of all of the ideal qualities you seek in a lifetime mate.
Be very specific. Instead of writing you want an honest man, the question is how honest do you
want him to be, on a scale of 1 to 10. A 10 would be a guy who tells you EVERYTHING, no matter
how much it hurts. Most people prefer a 5 or 6 in honesty: they tell the nice things, keep the bad
things to themselves). Include everything you can think of that describes your ideal mate.
STEP TWO is to cut your list down to a NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST. At each quality on your WISH
LIST ask yourself if you would rather be single for the rest of your life rather than do without this
essential quality. If the answer is NO, cross it off the list. The NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST is a very
brief list that includes every quality you need in a mate in order to be happy and fulfilled. How
long should the list be? That depends on how hard you plan to search and how much time you
are willing to wait. If you are lazy or impatient (come on, you know who you are), then make things
easy on yourself by having a bare-bones NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST. On the other hand, if you are
really committed to making a systematic search for the Cub of your dreams, then you are allowed
to have a longer list.
STEP THREE is to prepare a list of KILLER QUESTIONS. If your mate-to-be fails to answer even
one of these questions correctly, that is a relationship-killer. Dumb him immediately. How soon
should you ask these KILLER QUESTIONS? That’s up to you, and long as you understand that
you are NOT allowed to fall in love with a guy unless he answers all of the questions correctly. So,
if you are the kind of woman who falls in love quickly, you better start asking the KILLER
QUESTIONS immediately. And if you are the kind of woman who falls in love with a man after
having sex with him, you are NOT allowed to have sex until he is answered all of your KILLER
TOP TEN KILLER QUESTIONS:
1. Are you single? Pretty obvious, yet millions of women are in love with married men because
they foolishly ASSUME the guy was single. An estimated 50% of married men do not usually wear
a wedding ring, so you can’t go by that. Just because he fails to mention his wife and five children
doesn’t mean he is single. You have to ask! Be care with the men who answer, “Sort of.” If he
claims to be separated, follow up with two questions: “Have you filed for divorce?” and “Have you
moved out?” If he answers NO to either of these questions, it’s time to move on.
2. Do you hope to have children in the future? Obviously if he wants kids and you have
already raised yours and have no desire or ability to have additional progeny, this relationship
has no long-term future.
3. Do you plan to stay in this area over the long-term? Some cubs are very mobile and have
very shallow roots in your community. Often they are “here today, gone tomorrow.” If you have
sons and daughters, relatives and friends, and/or a great job, beware of falling in love with a man
who could easily pack up and move across the continent.
4. Were you faithful to past spouses/lovers? If they cheated on them, why not you?
5. How much do you drink?
6. Do you do drugs? If so, which ones and how often?
7. Do you have any sexual diseases or other health issues or problems?
8. Do you have any psychological issues? What medications are you taking?
9. Are you open to commitment and marriage at this stage of your life?
10. Where do you stand financially? Remember, if you marry your Cub, his debts become
Most people fall in love, ask questions later. They panic after they discover that they know very
little about their loved one. Then they ask all of the personal questions they should have asked
EARLIER in the relationship. But then it’s too late. If you are in love with the WRONG person you
have two extremely painful choices. The first choice, which I recommend, it to dump them, and
experience a broken heart (Easy for ME to say!) The second choice, which is what most people in
love make, is to stay with this person, knowing you will never be happy until you break off the
relationship. Not much of a choice. Clearly, the wisest policy is to ask the KILLER QUESTIONS
first, fall in love LATER.
Unfortunately, many people love, especially if they are hoping to seduce you or get you to fall in
love with them. You can’t always trust their answers. So it would be wise to check up on them
BEHIND THEIR BACKS. The easiest way to do this is to interview those who know them best. If
you are lucky enough to know their ex-spouses or ex-girlfriends, start there. Or their friends and
relatives. Mothers love to blab about their sons. Co-workers are also good to interview.
Interviewing their associates is a tricky business. Obviously you can’t ask, “Give me all the dirt
about Brad.” Be subtle, don’t be overly inquisitive, be patient as you quiz them over time. Serving
them a couple of stiff margaritas does wonders for getting them to reveal your loved one’s
Another method is to search for information ONLINE. Begin by googling them at www.google.
com. Go onto their Facebook, Myspace, Linkedin pages. There are also online services that will
do background checks, for a fee. You may find out their criminal histories or bankruptcies online.
CAUTION: Unless you have illegal access to the FBI National Database, whatever you find on the
internet will be incomplete. You could search the court records of your county and find your loved
one has no criminal history in your county, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a hatchet murderer in a
A third alternative is to hire a private investigator.
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The Society of Single Professionals