HOW TO MEET YOUNG MEN
Most women were taught to play “hard to get.” The problem with this strategy is that you have to
settle for what you get. If there are 100 single men at a party and you play hard to get, you don’t
have your choice of 100 men. You only can meet the two or three guys in the room that come
over to you.
The alternative is to take the responsibility for initiating contact. If you see an attractive young
man, and he won’t make a move, your only way to meet him is to take the bull by the horns
(figuratively) and approach him.
One of the myths popularized in bestselling books such as The Rules is that you should never
initiate contact, because if a man really wanted you, he would approach you. This is so wrong!
Most men are scared to death of rejection. Go to any singles bar and just watch the guys. They
are pathetic! The average man in a singles bar meets zero women in an evening. Secretly many
attractive men are probably attracted to you. But you will never know which ones, if you play the
I produce 150 parties a year for singles in the San Francisco Bay Area, plus occasional parties
worldwide. I constantly see women spend hours at a dance bored out of minds, feeling rejected,
meeting no men. It’s very sad. My wife Debby (who I met at one of my singles parties) tells me that
when she was single she danced to EVERY song she liked. If no one asked her to dance, she
refused to let a favorite tune go by. She asked. And more times than not, the men were delighted!
Dr. Phillip Zimbardo is the Director of The Shyness Institute at Stanford University and possibly
the world’s foremost authority on shyness. His studies reveal that 40% of Americans are basically
shy. All of us are shy, under some circumstances, but 40% are basically shy in all social
situations. If you want to meet this 40%, you have to take the initiative. They are NEVER going to
approach you, no matter how attracted they are to you!
Unfortunately most women tell me they aren’t attracted to shy men. What a shame! These are
the best opportunities for a lasting loving relationship. The self-confident, arrogant ladies man
gets all of the attention. If you were “lucky” enough to date him, you would find yourself added to
his list of conquests, but would be unlucky to gain a lasting relationship. Even if he married you,
you would spend the rest of your marriage worrying about his stepping out on you. After all, these
“make-out artists” can have just about any woman they want. And other women find him just as
attractive as you do.
The shy guy is the better choice. There is NO competition for him! Shy guys seldom meet
women. Their selection is very limited. Your chances are infinitely better in landing a shy man
than a self-confident one. And the shy guy is likely to be faithful to you for the rest of his life.
I have taught dating classes at 61 colleges and one of my favorite questions to the class is who
is the most popular woman at a party. Most answer that the youngest, slimmest, prettiest woman
is usually the most popular. NOT TRUE! The woman who gets asked to dance the most times at a
party is seldom the youngest, slimmest, or prettiest. She is THE MOST APPROACHABLE.
Most women foolish decline offers to dance from men they don’t find attractive. “If I dance with
Mr. Wrong, that means Mr. Right can’t dance with me. WRONG! Mr. Right, if he finds you
attractive, is watching you. If he sees you dancing with Mr. Wrong he will conclude, “If she’ll dance
with that loser, she’ll probably dance with ME.” The secret to getting Mr. Right to ask you to
dance is for him to see you dancing with Mr. Wrong. If he sees you reject Mr. Wrong he is likely to
cross you off his list of prospects (“that could have been me with the self concept spattered all
over the night club’s walls!”)
THE SECRET to understanding single men is simple: Almost all of them are chicken. They are
petrified with fear of rejection. You meet, date, and even marry the man of your choice if you are
willing to do what 90% of other women are NOT willing to do: ask a man to dance.
If you just can’t muster the courage to make the first move, the alternative is to convey through
body language that you are open to an approach by the attractive man across the room. One
university doctoral study was conducted in popular nightclubs. The students interviewed couples
in bars and asked them who made the first move. The men all claimed they did. NOT SO, said the
women: “I signaled him I was interested, and then he walked over to ask me to dance.”
Successful women flirts make it obvious when they find a man attractive. They make eye contact
(just for a second or two), smile, twirl their hair, etc. Hopefully the man gets the message. If not,
you may have to walk over the start the conversation. In any event, never waste the chance to
meet an attractive man!
A WORD OF CAUTION: Dancing with Mr. Wrong is away to signal to the men in the room that
you are friendly and won’t reject them. But sometimes it’s hard to get rid of Mr. Wrong. Don’t let
him monopolize your evening. If he sits down uninvited at your table, ask him to leave. If he asks
why, tell him the truth, you’re there to meet men, his sitting next to you will prevent you from
meeting other men. If he doesn’t move, YOU MOVE! If he follows you, that’s HARRASSMENT. Tell
the bartender ore bouncer that he is bothering you and Mr. Wrong will be ejected. Bars and
nightclubs survive on the basis of whether or not women feel safe. If the women stop coming, the
men will stop coming. And the nightclub goes under. So remember, bartenders and bouncers are
always on YOUR side.
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The Society of Single Professionals