“HE SAYS , SHE SAYS – NO SEX!”
Mutually enjoyable intimacy is a cornerstone of every relationship. If it works, it is one of life’s
great pleasures. If it doesn’t, it can cause hurt, estrangement and even devastating break-
ups. “Not feeling in the mood” can happen to anybody from time to time, but when either of
the partners loses interest in sexuality over a long period, action is required before major
relationship trouble occurs.
Women tend to jump to conclusions too quickly when their loved one withdraws from physical
intimacy. “Why is he no longer attracted to me, does he have someone else, is it my looks,
the fact that I put on weight, what am I doing wrong?” They take it personally without first
considering that there could be something going on with their partner that has nothing to do
with them at all. In many cases, as the problem continues, they lose their self esteem,
become depressed, angry and begin to get back at their partner rather than exploring the
problem in a more constructive way. Often they feel so deeply wronged that they find solace
in escape; they get lost in television, food, alcohol or other hurtful behaviors.
Men, in general, tend to withdraw and hurt more silently when faced with longtime sexual
denial of their partner. Frustrated and largely apathetic, they feel at a loss when they cannot
find a logical answer to the problem. They do consider that their woman has fallen out of love
with them but then feel lost as how to handle such a situation. After weeks or months of
mulling things over, they will eventually resort to action, good, bad or indifferent. Men seek
solutions, that is their nature. Some become workaholics, others find solace by drifting into
an affair or finding some other substitute to drown their sorrow.
It is a fact that a majority of people have a deep seated reluctance to face hard issues head
on. One of the things they hate most is confrontation. Yet facing the truth and having open
communication doesn’t mean that a discussion, even about a sensitive subject like this, has
to turn out hurtful or disagreeable. What’s required is that both partners agree on the ground
rules. No attacks, no phrases such as “you always”. Remember, your goal is to solve a
problem together that will help repair the relationship. This requires the willingness of both
partners to talking through the issues in a caring, constructive way. Sometimes this is easier
done with the help of a therapist who has the tools to understand what the underlying
motives are that led to the problem in the first place.
What are the most frequent reasons why people go through sexual withdrawal:
l) When loss of libido occurs, it is important to first rule out medical problems or given side
effects of specific medications your partner may use. Many drugs given for high blood
pressure, depression or other medical conditions can strongly affect sexual drive. Often an
alternative drug is available that may not have the same negative side effects.
2) In women loss of estrogen during the pre-menopausal, menopausal and post-menopausal
years often results in vaginal dryness and consequent considerable discomfort or even pain
during intimacy. Many women are shy to discuss the problem with their partner or even invite
him to help overcome it. Instead they simply withdraw from sexual activity. Using an FDA
approved intimate moisturizer (see www.veryprivate.com) before and during intimacy is the
simple answer to this serious problem. Many couples have learned that by doing so the
intimate experience can become completely comfortable again, and even more fun and
enjoyable than before.
3) Many women who are on the pill experience mild to severe loss of sexual desire. Yet many
doctors ignore to discuss this symptom with their women patients. Even when loss of sexual
desire occurs, they fail to advise them that the problem may be caused by “the pill”.
4) Very frequently loss of libido problems are caused by psychological pressures. It is not
unusual that either men or women under stress lose their sexual drive because of difficult life
situations. Consequently, if one partner is affected, both partners suffer. Money problems,
work related stress, issues with children or elderly parents that seem insurmountable can
cause havoc with people’s ability to cope and often result in sexual withdrawal.
What are realistic solutions? First and above all engage in open communication. Yes, it is not
easy to talk about such issues. It requires trust, courage and deep honesty between you to
get to the root cause. If that seems too difficult, then a professional should be consulted; a
medical doctor, a professional relationship counselor or sexual therapist can work wonders,
often in just a few sessions.
Finally, knowing what makes you happy sexually is fundamental to mutual happiness and
being able to share your thoughts about this very subject with your partner. Be explicit.
Communicate exactly what you like and how you like it. How you like to be touched, kissed,
cuddled. Talk about foreplay and penetration. If you don’t tell, how can you expect your
partner to make you happy? Giving pleasure is what intimacy is all about. Sex isn’t something
that people are expert at just like that. The ways of love have can be learned, and there are
plenty of books, tapes or instructors that will help you become an A-student. And the top
expert on what feels good to you is – you.
E-mail Jacqui your question: firstname.lastname@example.org or by regular mail to: PO Box 491341,
Los Angeles, CA 90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or
addresses. © 2009 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.
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